Today is Joscelin's birthday. We spent it as we've spent all the days since he was injured - I bathed him, changed his dressings, chattered on about nothing just to fill the silence in a house that used to echo with laughter, and my husband lay still and quiet, unmoving and unaware of hole his absence has left.

Come back to me, love.

How can one week be one of the most stressful and worrisome of my life and at the same time be the happiest I can remember?

Tonks is missing. Taken by some criminal with a grudge against Bishop. He's nearly mad with worry, of course. Tonks is pregnant with their child and the same man has her that killed Bishop's first fiancee. Joscelin and Gwen have been around the office almost non-stop keeping an eye on him. I'm glad he has them.

The whole department is working on finding her, but so far there's been no lead to follow. It's so frustrating. I can only imagine what it's like for Bishop.

But there has been a silver lining in all this. A very important, wonderful silver lining.

Joscelin kissed me. He wants me. Always.

Always.

I've spent every night this week at Tretower, in his arms. I don't know if he means me to stay here with him from now on, to actually live with him, or if he just wants to know I'm safe while Tonks' kidnapper is loose. He seems to like having me there, but it's something we'll have to talk about. Later. After the crisis with Tonks is past. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy what I never expected to have. I'm okay with that.

One of the benefits of being a full-fledged Auror is that, since I no longer require supervision, I can choose to work on my cases on Christmas, rather than spend the day staring at the miniature tree sitting on the table top and dwelling on the fact that there's no one here to stare at it with me. Another year with no contact from Mother. I wonder how Vasy and Anoush are. They must be getting big.

I'm blessedly exhausted, and Christmas is over for another year. Hurrah.

Took my exams yesterday. I think I did pretty well, but you never really know, do you? They didn't tell me how long I'd have to wait for the results. The waiting makes me grumpy. This seems to be a common reaction because the senior Aurors are smirking and giving me a wide berth.

Really missed Joscelin last night. A good cuddle would've been very soothing. Not that he'd have complained if I stopped over to Tretower. He told me I could anytime. I just... don't want to take advantage of him. Joscelin doesn't want me the way I want him, so it's not fair to him to act as though I have a claim on him. Even if it is just a cuddle claim.

Wish my damn results would come in.

Joscelin told me last night that the wards on my flat have been re-done. That's my cue; it's past time to go back to the real world. I'll move this weekend, ostensibly because it's more convenient to do it when I've a day off.

But really I just want to enjoy pretending I belong at Tretower with him for a little longer. I'll miss him. And the dogs. And feeling wanted. And not being alone.

Auror exam on Monday. I think I'm ready. I think.

It's been over two weeks since 'it' happened and I still can't get it out of my head. I'm furious one minute and depressed the next. At least I've been able to keep from crying at work, although I did send Peakes to Mungo's. Serves him right, the arsehat. People have noticed that something's not quite right with me, but no one's pushed much. Tonks and Natalie asked, but they're the only ones. One of the benefits of not having many friends, I guess. I couldn't tell them anything, of course. How would I explain meeting wtih Ethan Vaisey without going into my own actions? Just because I've acknowledged that what I did was wrong doesn't mean I'm willing to send myself to Azkaban for it. I'm not that noble. It's not like I haven't already paid a heavy price for my stupidity.

I did confess everything to Joscelin. He's been wonderful. He doesn't pass judgment and he's been having me stay at Tretower until things are better. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him. Can't imagine he'll ever want me now. Can't blame him for that. Who'd want a used up girl with no morals?

Ran into Oliver at Joscelin's party. He looked well and things are okay between us now. He apparently has a girlfriend, though I didn't meet her. I hope he's happy.

My 21st has come and gone. Harry gave me some things for work and complimented me on my improvement. Sweet of him. I also got a floral arrangement that was unsigned. No idea who that would be from. Oliver and Tristan don't know when my birthday is as far as I know, and they would have identified themselves. Can't think of anyone else who would've bothered.

Joscelin and I went to a carnival and had a lovely time. I always have a good time with him. He genuinely seems to like spending time with me. I can be myself around him and he never judges. It's very freeing. He touches me. Not in a sexual way, though I wouldn't mind if he did, but little pets and brushes that let me know he's there, truly with me. Like him very much.

Made my first arrest with Tonks. The Minister reassigned it to another Auror as soon as we brought the suspect in, though. Very angry about that. It makes no sense whatsoever. If this becomes commonplace, I'm going to pitch a fit. We put in the time to get this woman into custody. We know the background. We should've been the ones to wrap it up for trial.

Went home with a very sexy and incredibly talented man last night. Didn't sleep at all. I'm feeling a little guilty about it now. It seems hypocritical to claim serious interest in Joscelin, and then bed someone else. The truth is, though, that I'm not at all sure what Joscelin's thoughts are about me, at least as far as romance goes. He's never as much as kissed me on the mouth for all that we spend time together flirting and holding hands. He's made no claim on my affection. I suppose it's a moot point, it's not as though I'm dating Beckett. He was very good company and, as I said, a bloody fabulous partner, but we were not hooking up for the long-term potential of a relationship.

Oliver's cousin owled. He's awake! SO RELIEVED. Took him long enough, the bloody prat. Have to see him. Have to see for myself that he's really alright. Have to kick his arse for pulling this shite. And then possibly hug him into unconsciousness again. Don't care if he minds. Don't care if anyone else minds. They can bloody well sod off, I've been worried sick.

Have been studying protocol with McDonald Natalie. Can just imagine the smug look on Joscelin's face if I tell him. Still don't like her.

Oh, shut up.

Tonks ripped me a new one today. I really thought I'd been doing better. I've been trying, putting the effort in, but it's still not good enough. Why do I even care? I didn't join for any great noble purpose. I was here for exactly the reasons Jimmy Arsehole Peakes says. When did that change? Why did that change? Should have stuck with being a pretty face. It's what I'm good at.

Have completely come off the rails where The Plan is concerned. I keep becoming invested in people only to have it end exactly as I expect. Cormac. Oliver. Joscelin seems sincere about being a friend, but I can't read his intentions beyond that, if he has any. I wish I didn't want him to. Wish I could be indifferent about it. Need to get back on track, close myself off, not get hurt.

Was supposed to go out to dinner with Joscelin last night, but restaurant was closed. Brought him home with me and ordered Greek food from Nick's place. Didn't mind him being here. Talked and cuddled a bit. He makes me feel safe.

Am avoiding Terence. Not that it's a difficult task - I just don't go to his house. Have to figure out what to do about him, and what he wants me to do.

No change in Oliver's condition. Am worried. Visit him regularly - late at night when other visitors can't get in. Don't want to see anyone else.